


It’s Best Not to Dwell on Things that Happened While You Were Drunk

by HighlyOpinionatedNerd



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Hope you like it!, I can offer you but one humble kiss and Hijikata having an existential crisis, I know what that summary sounds like, M/M, Self-Doubt, but there's not actually any smut in this one, followed quickly by the first stages of self-acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 08:37:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12165351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighlyOpinionatedNerd/pseuds/HighlyOpinionatedNerd
Summary: Due to a strange combination of circumstances, Gintoki and Hijikata find themselves spending a night in the same hotel, sharing a bottle of sake in their room. Hijikata never expected the night to result in him confronting some of the darkest and most repressed thoughts in his brain, but somehow it does. Will he be able to survive a night with Gintoki with his sanity intact?





	It’s Best Not to Dwell on Things that Happened While You Were Drunk

“What do you mean, there aren’t any vacant rooms?” Hijikata frowned, readjusting the strap of the bag he was carrying on his shoulder. 

“We just rented out the last one,” said the little old woman behind the desk. “I’m afraid we’re completely full, Hijikata-san. Perhaps you should try another inn.”

“I’ve already been to two other inns this afternoon,” Hijikata explained exasperatedly. “Everywhere is full. Please ma’am, I just need to stay for one night. Isn’t there some way you could help me out here?”

The innkeeper pursed her lips, apparently thinking hard. “Oh, I know! There is a man in room 125 that came by himself. Maybe we could ask him if he wouldn’t mind sharing with you for a night!”

Hijikata sighed. “Fine.” He didn’t really like the idea of spending the night with a stranger, but he was tired of wandering around in search of lodging. _It’s just for one night,_ he said to himself. _You can handle one night, Hijikata._

“Follow me,” the little old lady said cheerfully, sliding off the stool behind the desk and starting to walk towards one of the hallways leading off from the lobby. Hijikata did as she said, falling wearily in behind her.

She stopped abruptly in front of one of the doors, surprising Hijikata. The doors had no numbers on them, and they all looked the same to him. He wondered how the ancient innkeeper knew which one was which.

She knocked on the door, and then slid it open a fraction. “Excuse me sir!” she said, sticking her head inside. “I have another guest here, who is in need of a room for the night. I was wondering, since you’re here by yourself, if you would mind letting him stay with you? There aren’t any other rooms available, you see.”

“Oh, uh, sure,” said a voice from inside. “As long as he pays for half the bill, I mean, sure.”

Hijikata frowned again. That voice sounded familiar in the worst kind of way. _There’s no way, right? I’m in Shizuoka, there’s no way he’d be here…_

The woman slid the door the rest of the way open, revealing the man inside the room. It was Sakata Gintoki. He noticed Hijikata standing there and stopped short, his brow furrowing.

For a moment they just stared at each other, neither one knowing what to do or say in a situation as bizarre as the one they found themselves in.

“Well, I’m glad we got that worked out!”

“No, uh, ma’am, actually-”

“Sakata-san is a nice person, Hijikata-san, and I’m sure the two of you will get along very well.”

“Wait, no, Obaa-san, we don’t-”

“Enjoy your stay, you two!”

She walked away, cheerily oblivious, leaving them behind, staring uneasily at each other again.

“I’ll go,” Hijikata said awkwardly. “Sorry to bother you.”

“No, you don’t have to,” Gintoki said as Hijikata started to turn away. “Everywhere else is full, right?”

“Are you...sure?”

Gintoki shrugged, clearly feeling just as awkward as Hijikata. “It’s just for one night. I don’t really mind. You’d better pay for your half, though.”

Hijikata hesitated for a moment, mentally weighing the pros and cons of pulling an all nighter in an internet cafe vs spending the night in a hotel room with Sakata Gintoki. Eventually his weariness got the better of him, and he nodded, stepping into the room.

“How did you know everywhere else was full?”

“There’s some kind of convention happening,” Gintoki said, gently closing the door again. “I saw an ad for it earlier. A game convention, I think.”

Hijikata set down his bag near the room’s unoccupied futon and bent down to unlace his boots. His feet were killing him. 

“What brings you to Shizuoka?” Gintoki asked, trying to sound casual but merely coming across as a little nervous.

“I’m attending a meeting tomorrow with the Shizuoka Prefecture branch of the Shinsengumi. You?”

“I’m on a delivery job.”

“Oh, ok.” 

Hijikata finally got his boots off, and sat down on his futon, grateful to finally be taking a load off his aching feet. Across the room, Gintoki also sat down on his futon. He didn’t attempt to make any more small talk.

Hijikata took a long, deep breath. _This isn’t so bad. I can just ignore him. And in the morning, we can forget this ever happened. I can deal with this._

 

The two men passed the next few hours in silence. It wasn’t a very companionable silence; in fact, it was a little tense.

Hijikata took advantage of the quiet to spend some time reviewing the items on the agenda for the meeting tomorrow. It was a lot of boring bureaucratic stuff, which he wasn’t really looking forward to. But he knew it was important, and that Kondo was trusting him to handle this well, so he tried not to let it get to him.

Gintoki sat lazily on his futon, mostly just messing around on his phone. Several times he looked up at Hijikata, and seemed to be on the verge of saying something, but in the end he always gave it up before he started. For which Hijikata was grateful.

Sometime after sunset, there came a light knock at the door. They glanced at each other, each wondering if the other was expecting something, and each finding no such indication in the other’s expression.

Gintoki shrugged and stood up, opened the door. Hijikata could hear him talking with someone out in the hall, but couldn’t make out any of the words.

When Gintoki turned around again, he was holding two china cups and an unopened bottle of sake. “Look,” he said, “the innkeeper brought us this. Since we each agreed to spend the night with a ‘stranger’.” He tried to form air quotes around the last word, and nearly dropped one of the cups.

“Hm. That was considerate.”

“Yeah it was! Sake always tastes best when it’s free, after all….you want some?”

“I’m fine, thanks.” Hijikata turned back to his reading searching for the place he had left off.

“Come on, don’t be such a stiff,” Gintoki said, sitting down cross-legged in the middle of the room. “She said it was for both of us. And, you’re paying half my bill, so you should at least get some of this. Whatever boring-ass police reports you’re reading will still be there when we’re done, I promise.”

In spite of himself, Hijikata looked over at Gintoki, who was working to get the bottle open. He was starting to go bleary-eyed trying to read this stuff… _Surely one drink won’t hurt, right? It can’t hurt to take a quick break. I’ll get right back to work afterwards._

“Ok, fine,” he said, abandoning his files to take a seat opposite Gintoki. “Just one drink though.”

“Sure, sure.” Gintoki filled the cups and handed one of them to Hijikata. “Well, here’s to free sake!”

He held out his cup expectantly. “Uh, yeah,” said Hijikata, gently tapping the rim of Gintoki’s cup with his own. “Cheers.”

 

Several drinks and who knew how much time later, it was beginning to dawn on Hijikata that he had made a bit of a mistake.

He really had only intended to have one drink but...Gintoki turned out to be unexpectedly good at drinking, and Hijikata hadn’t wanted him to think that he was a pushover when it came to alcohol. The only problem with that, was that he absolutely was. He was not fooling anyone here.

They were both drunk enough by now that it didn’t really matter anymore, though. 

“...and then, I was like, _hyaa!_ Just like that, and knocked him out cold. Pow!”

Hijikata chuckled. “Pow!” At this stage of inebriation, basically everything was funny to him.

Gintoki smiled dreamily, his eyes unfocused. “Yeah, that was a good day. We spent the night in the town’s red light district, if you know what I mean. That was veeeeery nice.”

“Mm,” Hijikata said, taking another sip of sake. “I dunno, I’ve never been.”

Gintoki stared at Hijikata, his mouth slightly open. “You haven’t? Waitwaitwait... you, yourself, have never been to a red light district? Ever???”

“I’ve _been_ there. But I haven’t, y’know, done anything there.” He shrugged. He’d honestly never given it too much thought.

“That is such a shame,” Gintoki said. He seemed genuinely upset on Hijikata’s behalf. “You’ve never been with a prostitute...no wonder you’re so grumpy and lonely all the time…”

“I am not grumpy!”

“Yes, you are! And it’s because you’re a virgin!” Gintoki looked like he was on the verge of tears. It was making Hijikata feel a weird drunken combination of shame and pity.

“I’m fiiiine. I could go to a brothel any time I wanted, you know.”

“Toshirou, this, this right here, is not a ‘fine’ situation. You’re not fine, _trust_ me.” He squinted blearily at Hijikata. “Have you ever even been kissed?”

Hijikata shrugged again. “...Not really…”

“That’s not a real answer. Have you. Kissed. Another person!”

“No, damn it Gintoki, I have not. Are you happy now? Hm?”

Gintoki put his hands over his face and made a strangled-sounding noise.

Hijikata suddenly felt very self-conscious. This was not a conversation he had ever, ever pictured himself having with anyone. Especially not with Gintoki.

Blushing a little bit, he mumbled something about it not being a big deal and tried to hide behind his china cup. Maybe, if he drank enough, he’d stop caring. Be able to talk about this kind of stuff openly, and without embarrassment. The way Gintoki did.

“Toshirou,” Gintoki said, in a tone very serious for one who was so tipsy, “look at me.”

Hijikata raised his head, and before he knew it Gintoki was leaning over across the space between them, and then closer, and then closer still, until his lips were touching Hijikata’s.

It took a while for Hijikata’s brain to process what was happening. It took an eon, and for all that time Gintoki was there, leaning against him, pressing their lips together. _Kissing_ him.

All at once Hijikata’s brain snapped back into motion and he hastily pulled away from Gintoki, shuffling backwards. “Wha...What the hell?!”

Gintoki grinned at him triumphantly. “Haha, stole your first kiss, Toshirou!”

“You…! You can’t just, just do that, th-that’s not how, I mean, you can’t-”

The warm, fuzzy sort of drunk that Hijikata had been earlier had suddenly evaporated. Now he was just uncomfortably, muddily drunk, and he couldn’t make sense of anything, couldn’t even speak.

“Oh, relax,” Gintoki said, waving a hand at him. “I thought you thought it wasn’t a big deal. Anyway, now if you do get a girlfriend you can tell her you’ve kissed before. Or a boyfriend, I guess. Or an alien-friend? Whatever.”

“I n-need some air,” Hijikata mumbled, getting up and hurrying out of the room.

He stumbled unsteadily down the hallway and through the lobby, and out the door. Unlike Edo at night, here the streetlights shone down on deserted streets, and the only sound was the steady chirping of a cricket somewhere nearby.

Hijikata leaned against the wall of the inn, the bricks rough against his back, the ground dusty beneath his feet. He’d rushed out of the room so fast, he’d forgotten to put on his boots. He put his hands over his face and focused on breathing slowly and deeply, fighting off a sudden wave of nausea.

He was panicking. Not that knowing that fact wasn’t actually helping him any.

_You’re being ridiculous, Hijikata. He drank a lot more than you, and he wasn’t thinking, that’s all. That stupid idiot, he was just drunk, he didn’t mean anything._

Deep breaths. Long, slow, deep breaths.

_It doesn’t even matter. Just one stupid, drunken kiss. It’s nothing. Oh god, I’m acting like a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl…_

He bit his lip, willing himself to calm down. The last thing he needed to do right now was start crying. A fine picture he’d make then, a grown man barefoot and crying on the street.

_Mitsuba._

Just when he’d started to move on, just when he’d managed to stop spending his every waking moment thinking about her, there she was again. He could see her face behind his closed eyelids, and it was the thought of her that was almost pushing him to tears now.

Hijikata knew very well how lacking his lovelife was. He knew that Gintoki had only been teasing him, and hadn’t meant to cause any harm, but he had unintentionally dragged a very painful part of Hijikata’s life to the forefront of his mind.

He’d spent so long, so very long, waiting for her. For Mitsuba. Waiting for the right time, for the right circumstances for them to be together. She’d been the only one he’d ever really wanted. That held true even after her death.

There were days that he found himself lonely, caught himself wishing for another relationship like that. For someone that he could confide in, someone to support him and reassure him when he doubted himself. There were days that he desperately wanted to go out to a local brothel, to get blind drunk and lose himself in the touch of another person’s skin on his. Anyone’s. 

But without fail he’d see her face again, and he always felt guilty. Like he wasn’t being faithful to her. And nothing ever happened. Nothing ever changed.

And now, out of nowhere, here came Gintoki, calling him out and even going so far as to kiss him. Gintoki had really, actually kissed him. On the lips. He had kissed Gintoki, and _wow_ was that hard to think about without freaking out.

There was absolutely no way that he could have meant anything serious by it. Of that Hijikata was sure. Really, totally sure. That would be insane. Sakata Gintoki, known ex-rebel, convicted criminal, and chronically out-of-work Yorozuya, having designs on the Shinsengumi’s vice captain? Yeah. Right.

None of which changed the fact that he had actually kissed him, though.

Hijikata buried his face in his hands, fingers gripping the roots of his hair tightly. He was talking himself in circles. It was exhausting, and he had to work tomorrow, and he really really wanted to go to sleep. But he also didn’t want to go back to a room with Gintoki in it, and face the prospect of talking to him…

He sighed. Much as he hated to admit it, he’d have to talk to Gintoki sooner or later. And he couldn’t stay out here all night. _Suck it up, Hijikata. You’re just going to go back into that room, and you’re going to give him a piece of your mind. Make it clear how you feel, so we never have to even think about this ever again. Come on, get going!_

Reluctantly, he pushed himself away from the wall and headed back inside. The whole way through the inn, down the hallway to room 125, he was rehearsing exactly what he wanted to say, and when he slid back the door, it was with an expression of both anger and confidence.

But he didn’t have the chance to say a single word. Gintoki was laying passed out on the floor, his legs sprawled across Hijikata’s futon, the now empty bottle of sake beside him.

Hijikata sighed, and all of the fight went out of him, leaving only the tired and emotionally fatigued. He desperately needed to sleep.

He walked into the room and roughly kicked Gintoki onto his own futon. The silver-haired man didn’t even seem to notice. Hijikata made a mental note never to let himself get worked up over this sorry excuse for a samurai again.

He laid down and pulled the blanket up around his shoulders. His thoughts were still buzzing around frantically in some distant part of his mind, but he ignored them and closed his eyes, falling asleep almost instantly.

 

The next morning Hijikata woke with the dawn, as he did almost every day. He felt awful; there was a bad taste in his mouth, and thinking about his upcoming meeting was almost physically painful.

But there was still some time before he had to leave. He remembered seeing that the inn had a bath, and decided to take a soak before going out to face the day. He lay in the water for a long time, not thinking about anything, letting the soft dripping of the faucet help refocus his thoughts.

By the time he returned to the room, it was midmorning. He expected Gintoki to be asleep, but when he opened the door he found him sitting up in bed, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, holding a cup of yogurt and a spoon.

“Morning,” Hijikata mumbled, trying his hardest not to be awkward. He was calm now, and he didn’t need to shout. They could work this out like adults.

“Mmmmff,” was Gintoki’s reply. “I feel like shit.”

“Well, you did drink an awful lot.”

“Yeah, yeah. I guess I didn’t expect that stuff to be so strong. I don’t remember most of it, honestly.” He groggily lifted a spoonful of yogurt to his mouth. “Anything I should know about?”

Hijikata stood staring at Gintoki for a moment. He was dumbstruck- he’d spent so long worrying, he’d been so worked up about this…

“No. Not really.”

“Ok, well, that’s good at least.” Gintoki sighed and shrank further into his blanket. “Man, you don’t have a headache?”

“No.” It was the truth, mostly.

Gintoki grumbled something unintelligible, eyes squeezed shut to block out some of the light streaming through their window.

Hijikata was feeling a strange mix of emotions. Relief. Incredulity. A little bit of fresh anger and frustration. But it was fine. He was ok with this.

“I’m leaving,” he said, picking up his bag and double-checking to make sure he hadn’t left anything behind. 

“Ok, bye,” Gintoki said, his voice muffled by blanket. “I’ll see you around, I guess.”

“Yeah. See you.”

Hijikata left the room and closed the door behind him. He went down the hall and through the lobby, waving at the innkeeper as he went.

Somehow, he felt much calmer today. He thought that maybe- just maybe- he might be able to start moving on now. Mitsuba would always be there, and he’d always see her when he closed his eyes, but she didn’t have to be the only one. He needed to try to start over.

Not with Gintoki. Definitely not him, anyone but him.

Hijikata stepped out into the warm Shizuoka morning, and took a deep breath. It was nice, but the air didn’t have the same smell to it that it did in Edo. He’d become accustomed to it, and now that it was absent, he found that he missed it.

It had turned out to be more of an eventful trip than he’d planned for, and he couldn’t wait to be home.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Hijikata, and I only want the best for him, but it seems to me like he's not ready to move on. He doesn't seem to think that he deserves to be happy, you know? I feel like something like this would be the only way to make him confront the Dark Thoughts he doesn't want to think about, but maybe that's just me. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Feedback of any kind is always greatly appreciated!


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